Parenting is An Adventure

Self Esteem

2007-09-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

I read this article regarding preparing our teens for the real world (see link below). Patricia Redlich gives the following definition for self esteem. “Self-esteem is about having responsibilities, and believing you can meet them.” There are a number of definitions that we can always agree on; I’d like to comment on this one.

Our role as parents is not to fight our kid’s battles but to help them fight their own. That they know we are there for them, even if they lose their battles. That we love them whether they win or lose or continue as is. We also need to believe they can achieve their goals and dreams.

My son was complaining that he needed some money. I told him that he was entrepreneurial and that he could figure out something. He looked at me quizzically and I reminded him of two instances in his past that he was entrepreneurial.

He had completely forgotten about these events and had not recognized them as entrepreneurial. Sometimes our kids need to be reminded/acknowledged/recognized for what they’ve done so they can own their accomplishments.

How do you address self esteem and your kids?

http://www.independent.ie/opinion/analysis/how-can-we-prepare-our-teens-for-the-real-world-1081340.html

Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Quote:

“Achievement motivation and time management accounts for about 25% of your power to succeed. For example, a study in 1953 found that only 3% of the students graduating from Yale that year had written goals and specific plans for reaching them. Twenty years later, the 3% who had written goals were earning more money as a group than the entire other 97%!”

- Brent Evans of www.LearningSuccess.com

Noodle Soup

2007-09-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

I spent a few days with my best friend from High School and his family. They have four kids ranging from 10-15 yrs old.

I learned a lot being with his family, but I specifically want to talk about an incident that occurred while the adults were out to dinner.

Mrs. R got a call that her 2nd oldest had thrown her noodle soup onto the eldest daughter. The mother initially wanted all parties on the line so that everyone could state their side of the story. However the eldest wanted the noodles out of her hair and wanted to go straight into the shower.

She spoke to her 2nd daughter and asked her for her side of the story. Without judgment or a change in the tone of her voice Mrs. R stated that she expected her to apologize and to clean up the mess (along with some hints.)

When we got home, everything had been taken care of. This issue was over and there weren’t any more words for the parents to say.

I am always humbly reminded that when our kids know our expectations, they know how to win. This is a prime example.

How have your expectations with your teens made the path easier?

Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Decisions

2007-08-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

I was talking to the mother about the topic in the July 10th blog regarding parents owning their child's responsibility instead of teaching their children how to handle situations.

This single mom (and I am in awe of all single mom’s) has a Jr in college (UC Berkeley) and a HS senior (planning for Yale).

She commented that she would not make decisions for her children. She told them that she is not always going to be there for them and they are going to need to think for themselves and make decisions.

She taught them how to use the pros and cons of a situation to help guide them in their decisions.

What an awesome way to empower her kids; by trusting them to make the right decision and giving them tools to do this.

How do you empower your teens? Please post below.

Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

A Pre-Teen’s Conflict

2007-07-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Our teens are both mature and in need of guidance at the same time at this age. It’s just knowing where each applies is the challenge.

My son flew from San Jose; Ca to Philadelphia, PA with a 1.5 hour lay over at Dallas Fort Worth Airport (DFW) to visit my uncle and see the historic sites of the area.

When we were figuring out his flight schedule, my biggest fear was my pre-teen having to change planes at DFW. Luckily, the airlines required us to pay for him to be escorted. Of course, my son said it was no problem he could handle it. Not only was I concerned about him changing planes, I was also concerned about adults that might notice him being by himself (am I too doom and gloom?).

Well, the Dallas area was having major storms the day of his flight. His flight got into DFW ~2 hours late. Because my husband and I could not confirm his second flight had taken off, I called the airlines and found out his connecting flight was delayed by 4 hours.

Just then, my son called from the “Unaccompanied Minor’s Room”. You could hear the fear/panic in his voice. He relaxed once I explained the situation.

What would have happened had he not been escorted? Would he have known what to do? Even though he wanted to be treated like an adult, he definitely needed the escort.

I followed my gut for reasons other than why I needed to. And as a parent, I think it is important to listen to what your gut says; you can learn a lot.

Has anything like this happened to you? I’d love to hear about it.

Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Teaching Conflict Resolution

2007-07-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

UC Davis Magazine, from my alma mater, published an article titled “Life Skills 101.” What caught my eye is the 4th section titled “Play Well With Others.”

Initially, freshman college students are anxious to make friends with their roommates, but soon find to their surprise that the roommate has different values, beliefs and/or more.

This article noted a new trend; the student’s parents are calling the roommate’s parents regarding issues the students are having. The students hadn't learned how to deal with their differences.

This seems so unreal to me.

My belief is that it is our job as parents is to prepare our children to be adults. This includes teaching them how to accept the differences of others, how to resole conflicts and learn to make the best of situations.

You can read this article by clicking here.

What are your thoughts?

Dawn-Marie

www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Kids, the Internet and Predators

2007-06-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

Attached is a link to a series of videos on YouTube. This is a panel of experts and their findings of Kids and Predators on the Internet.

I shouldn’t be surprised that the media distorts reality. Teenagers, not small children, are more likely to be victims. And of those that are approached, only 5% hide their real identity; which mans 95% of the contacts, the teenagers know the other person is older.

If you have kids online, you’ll want to know what this Panel has to say.

I’d love to hear your comments.

Just The Facts About Online Youth Victimization

Dawn-Marie Cook
Parent Coach and Speaker
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Time to Change

2007-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Time to Change

Workshops for Teenage Girls
=================================

TIME TO CHANGE

As my son approaches the last 6 months of his pre-teenhood I realize that our relationship needs to change.

I'm no longer here to take care of him as a child; he definitely isn't one anymore. It's time to get to know him and get to know his interests; to become interested in knowing what he thinks and continue to respect him for who he is

Boudaries still apply - curfews, chores, expectations, guidelines - those are still important in helping him become a responsible adult.

However, he has his own world and as I am becoming less and less a part of it, I want him to know still I care, love him and that he can come to me if he has problems.

How are you experiencing this?
================================

Workshops for Teenage Girls - San Francisco Bay area

Self-Esteem Workshops: Empower Yourself!
- Learn how to respect, accept and express yourself.
- You will begin to create the life that you want and deserve.

Body Talk Workshops: Take Control Of How You Feel About Your Body!
- Are you aware of the words you use about yourself and your body?
- Learn that true beauty comes from within.

Group Coaching Sessions: Anything and Everything!
- Coaching group to talk about anything and everything that is on your minds.

For more details go to WORKSHOPS or http://www.raecoaching.com/
===============================

I'd love to hear your comments!

Dawn-Marie
http://www.parent.family-rx.com/

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

To the men who read this newsletter and the men
who are fathers and those who may fill these
shoes to our child(ren).

What Is A Dad?

A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.

A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.

A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail...

~By Susan Ceylise.~

Have a Fabulous Day!!
Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Keeping Our Kids Safe From Drugs

2007-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Just in case you haven’t seen this in the news lately . . .

http://parent.family-rx.com/Keeping_Our_Kids_Safe.pdf

I've always talked to my eldest about "bad" drugs and medicine. I showed him the picture in the link above; he said it looked like candy.

"That's exactly what the drug runners want you to think. It's a dangerous drug that you get hooked on immediately. . . ." I continued to tell him what happens to meth addicts. And that I expect him to stay away from this and to keep his friends, his sister and his sister's friends away from this.

As I've said before, the more our kids know what we expect, then they know how to win.

How have you approached telling your kids about drugs? I'd love to hear your story. Tell me below.

Yours Truly,
Dawn-Marie

www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Teleclass for Parents of Kindergartners

2007-05-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

There is still a few spots left!!!!

What: LEARN THE 7 KEYS TO HELPING YOUR PRESCHOOLER TRANSITION
SUCCESSFULLY TO KINDERGARTEN

Where: Teleclass
Date: 30 May 07
Time: 7p-8p PST
Cost: $15
Who: Parents of children in a full time daycare center entering
Kindergarten this fall

Enroll at www.Kinder.Family-Rx.com

Comment from a Las Madres Mom who attended last summer:

“. . . In case you missed Dawn-Marie's teleclass on preparing your kids for kindergarten . . . It was excellent information! I've been to 2 speakers and seen one TV show on "getting ready for kindergarten", and most of Dawn-Marie's key points weren't even covered by the other sources. It wasn't rocket science or anything surprising, but just things that I didn't even think of discussing with my daughter... but definitely will now. It's all based on experiences Dawn-Marie had when her older son was going to kindergarten years ago... not from any book you'll read (I don't think). . – EB

Dawn-Marie Cook
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

The Future

2007-05-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

===============================================
The Future

Teleclass
===============================================

The Future

I had coffee with a friend of mine. Her eldest had just competed in an international robotic competition. She made a comment that I wanted to share with you.

The director of DARPA and the founder of YouTube spoke at this event! There were ~6000 teenagers from around the world at this event. Some had Mohawks, some had lip rings, some had tattoos, but nowhere did she see the classic “nerd.”

Her comment was, after being with these teenagers for a few days, “She does not fear the future.” These are everyday well rounded kids who are poised to lead us in the next decade or two.

The media always gives us the negative view of teens today. I think teens are great and my friend’s declaration of the future just confirmed this.

Teens are typically given the short end of the deal in our society. They are important members of our society because they will be leading our nation in the near future. We should respect them, as we do any adult.

The next time you are in the presence of a teen, give them the time of day and make them feel like they are important.

To find out more about this Robotic Competition go to http://www.usfirst.org/community/frc/

===============================================

"THE 7 KEYS TO HELPING YOUR PRESCHOOLER
TRANSITION SUCCESSFULLY FROM PRESCHOOL
TO KINDERGARTEN"

This teleclass was created to help the parents of pre-
kindergartners support their child through this change.

As you well know, the transition from Preschool to
Kindergarten is one of the most significant changes in a
child's life. It affects them socially, emotionally, physically
and cognitively.

You can help your child . . . click on the following url to
read more www.kinder.family-rx.com/Why.pdf

When: May 30th, 2007
Time: 7p-8p PST

To read testimonials of others who have attended this class
go to the following www.kinder.family-rx.com/testimonials.html

To enroll go to
www.kinder.family-rx.com/index.html

===============================================

Touch

2007-05-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

===============================================
Touch

Teleclass
===============================================

TOUCH

My preteen is not one to give me a hug or let me hug him.
Usually he has to be cajoled.

Several weeks ago, the latest addition to our family, a cute
little fluff ball kitten – Cricket, was killed by a vehicle.

My son wasn’t home at the time. When I picked him up the
following morning from his friend’s house, I told him the
bad news.

Fortunately for me, he was sitting in the front passenger
seat. As he expressed his sorrow over this loss, I rubbed his
shoulders and told him how sorry I was. I say fortunately,
because I know if we were standing he would not have let
me hug him.

On a day to day basis, I look for small opportunities to
tousle his hair or lean on him (he’s only 2 inches shorter
than I.) There are times that he leans against me and I kiss
his head.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the stories that newborns that are
not caressed and hugged, do not thrive. I don’t think this
stops once kids begin to walk, go to school, become
teenagers or leave the nest. Everyone needs positive human
touch.

How do you find ways to keep in “touch” with your kids?

Please comment.

===============================================

"THE 7 KEYS TO HELPING YOUR PRESCHOOLER
TRANSITION SUCCESSFULLY FROM PRESCHOOL
TO KINDERGARTEN"

This teleclass was created to help the parents of pre-
kindergartners support their child through this change.

As you well know, the transition from Preschool to
Kindergarten is one of the most significant changes in a
child's life. It affects them socially, emotionally, physically
and cognitively.

You can help your child . . . click on the following url to
read more click here

When: May 30th, 2007
Time: 7p-8p PST

To read testimonials of others who have attended this class
click here

To enroll go to www.Kinder.Family-Rx.com

===============================================

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

Have a FABULOUS Mother's Day!!!!!

Teenage Awkwardness

2007-05-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

I struck up a conversation with a parent the other day that I want to share.

She mentioned that her teenage son and friends were lamenting about their physical awkwardness; their heads, ears and eyes did not form a “beautiful” face. She walked up to the group and they asked her opinion. She agreed. She stated that their facial features hadn’t grown at the same rate, when their features catch up with each other, you’ll look great.

Then she suggested that they go through her freshman yearbook and pick out the good looking and the not so good looking kids in the class. Then go to her senior yearbook and look up those same people.

You guessed it. What they found is that those “good” looking kids looked “not so good” looking. And the “not so good” looking kids looked “good.” She restated that when your facial features are not growing at the same rate, you’re not considered “good” looking, but once all your features catch up with each other, you look great.

I love her wording that the facial features were growing at different rates. This not only makes a lot of sense, but puts everyone on the same playing field. All teenagers go through this awkward stage and at different points of their teenage years.

I never went to one school longer than 2 years; so I cannot perform this experiment. Have you experienced this? Have you had any conversations with your kid about this? I’d love to hear your comments.

The 7 Keys to Helping Your Child Transition Successfully from Preschool to Kindergarten

2007-04-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

The transition from Preschool to Kindergarten is the biggest change your child will experience in his or her academic life. Come and learn how you can support your child through this transition.

Location: Teleclass (call from the comfort of your home)
Date: 2 May 07
Time: 7-8 pm PST
Who: Parents whose children attend full time Preschool Daycare
Speaker: Dawn-Marie Cook
Parenting and Life Coach
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com
Cost: $15
How: Go to www.Kinder.Family-Rx.com or send an email to dmcook@family-fx.com

Bonus: The first 5 people to show up will be able to attend the class for $5.

Carpooling

2007-04-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I heard a parent speaker once regarding carpooling and I thought it was excellent advice.

She suggested that parents always volunteer for carpooling; especially the ride home from the event. This is when you get to be the silent listener. The kids are so excited about what went on at the event, they forget you are listening. Not only do you get to hear what happened but you also might hear other things going on in your kid’s world.

Do you do this? Do you have other ways of finding out what’s going on in your kid’s world? I’d love to hear about it.

Friendship

2007-04-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

My son made a new friend, B, lately who seems to have more in common with him than a young man, W, he’s been hanging with for the last two years.

B came over and my son called W to get a game going. W lambasted B and refused to come over. My son hung up on W because he thought his excuses for not liking B did not hold water. From my view point, W is jealous because of the easy camaraderie my son has with B.

The following day I asked my son if he was calling W. My son replied that he was still mad at W for what he had said before. I commented to my son that I really like how he stuck up for his new friend and his statement “I can accept that he doesn’t like B, but I don’t believe any of his excuses.” I also told him that he shouldn’t throw a way a long term relationship on one incident.

I’m reminded of the scout song “Make New Friends” –

Make new Friends
And keep the old
One is silver
And the other gold

Have a conversation with your friend. My goal is to have my son understand you can have friends that are different and don’t care for each other, but that does not mean you have to make a choice between them.

Have you helped your child deal with bumps in the road of friendship?
Please comment I love new ideas.

www.parent.family-rx.com

Listening

2007-04-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

My son, in particular, does not say whatever is on his mind. In fact he doesn’t say much about what goes on in his world at school; unless I ask questions. Of course, even then, I don’t hear as much as I want to hear.

What I have noticed though, is when my son begins the conversation, it’s either something he thinks is really cool and he’s excited about it, or something happened and it is bothering him.

Per the excitement, I'll listen and ask questions to figure out what is driving his excitement.

On the latter, I typically drop what I am doing and try to name what he is feeling about the situation. We talk about how things could have gone differently. Depending on the situation, we discuss what he needs or what his friends need from him.

Does your kid have a pattern of talking about things that happen to him? Have you been able to listen to your kid lately?

I’d love to hear about the patterns you’ve noticed.

Dawn-Marie
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com

Teaching Good Choices

2007-03-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

I attended a parent seminar a while back and have been contemplating one of her main points.

Choices: She stated that kids who are allowed to choose while growing up, make more right decisions at 13 yrs old (like not shoplifting when everyone else is) and 14 yrs old (choosing not to smoke.)

In fact, she stated that seniors in high school should not have a curfew. Think about it. What are they going to do in their first year of college? No curfew. Better to let them experience this while they are in your home and when your kid makes the wrong choice, you just need to reinforce consequences.

I still have a few years before this stage; but she has a great point that I will be seriously considering between now and then.

What are your thoughts on this?

Preparing For Teens Driving

2007-03-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a parenting seminar the other night and she gave this great tip that I’ve already started to use.

She called it preparing your teens for driving. I call it “prepaving” – setting up the expectations for your teen so that when it comes time to drive, the rule(s) you are creating are unquestionable.

This speaker stated that she began teaching her children a specific rule about driving at the tender age of 10 or 11 yrs. As she drove the kids around town, when she’d see children playing or drive by a school yard with children she’d say out loud “Oh, there’s children around. I need to slow down because you never know when one might run into the street.”

Thus in the 5-6 years before driving, her children heard “hundreds” of times that if there are kids around, you need to slow down.

I love the idea of prepaving the way for the rules of driving. I’ll be thinking of other areas I can prepave for my children to be responsible adults.

Do you do something like this? Do you have any ideas of where else we can prepave rules for our kids?

Girls Need Help Coping With Media’s Sex Machine

2007-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

Our local paper, the San Jose Mercury News, ran an article with the title above, by Sue Hutchison. I found this very interesting since it reveals that even smart women unconsciously are affected by the “sexual media.”

Take this a step back and what are the Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spear’s doing to the minds of our pre-teens and teens, subcounsciously.

Take a read at the article here http://www.mercurynews.com/search/ci_5320775

I’d love to hear your comments on it.

Create Memories

2007-02-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorite memories from my childhood were when we went to the lake, each night we'd spend time as a family playing Tripoli, a poker like game.

Before I left to take care of my mother for two weeks, I spent the previous 3-4 nights playing games with my children: sequence, junior sequence, risk, and dominoes. My intention was to leave them feeling that they were important to me and wouldn’t forget me so easily.

My son acquired a nerf gun during my absence and challenged me to a shoot out when I returned; I said yes thinking he would forget.

Two days before I returned I asked him if he missed me, without a beat he said “No.” I laughed, I was glad he felt comfortable telling me the truth.

The day after I returned, he reminded me that I had agreed to a nerf challenge (ugh!). I tried delaying by citing the need to wash the dishes and fold the laundry. He then wrangled his friend and his sister to help fold laundry so he could challenge me to a nerf shoot out.

At this point I realized he really wanted to challenge me and that I should be glad, since he’s twelve now and I’m not sure when he'll stop wanting to play games with me.

They were easy on me the first game, I won; I lost the next two.

Your children will always fondly remember playing games and spending time together versus you being unavailable because the dishes needed being done or the laundry or the vacuuming.

What do you do to create special time with your child(ren)?

Acknowledge What’s Not Working and Change the Future

2007-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine’s Day

Acknowledge What’s Not Working and Change the Future

Book: 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life
===============================

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

I wish you and your family lots of hugs, kisses and love on this celebratory day.

Sorry I missed last week, I’ve been helping my mother recover after major surgery.

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ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT’S NOT WORKING AND CHANGE THE FUTURE

I’ve been helping my 6th grader since 3rd grade on his school speeches. This entails timing his practices, asking him questions to fill in the time, and giving him pointers (i.e. eye contact, breathe and more.)

And undoubtedly every time, sometime during the process, we ram our heads against each other: screaming at each other and/or tears and/or throwing our arms up. Sometimes this is the end of the session, sometimes due to time constraints, we have to go on.

This past fall he had a speech and he worked really hard and we rammed our heads quite a bit.

The day he gave his speech, he arrived home before I did. I called home to see how it went; it went well and he felt great about it. It told him that he worked really hard and deserved a great grade.

I also told him that I would really like for us to not ram our heads together less next time. He said “Me too.”

Since this speech he’s had two others, and each time our head ramming has occurred less and less.

What techniques have you used in diminishing ramming heads with your child(ren)?

I’d love to hear about it.

---------------------------------------------------------

101 GREAT WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE: Volume 3

My friend Nancy Heimstra, from Authentic Living Now, is a contributing author in the book above; a compilation of 101 articles with practical, solid advice on how you can finally take action and improve your life.

Go here to read more about it and the bonuses you receive upon purchase.
www.Parent.Family-Rx.com/Nancy_Heimstra.

Happy Reading!

Let Siblings Fight

2007-01-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

My friend “Sadie” grew up in a household where she and her sister were not allowed to fight.

In fact, if they did fight, her mother always sided with her younger sister. Her mother never listened to her side of the story; even when they were in high school.

This was a huge disservice “Sally’s” parents did for her and her sister. The siblings never learned how to resolve a fight.

During the last two years of high school, “Sally” and her sister only talked when they had to.
Today “Sally” avoids conflict at all costs and her sister won’t let things go until she has her way.
The siblings are just acquaintances today.

Let your children deal with the bickering and minor fights without intervention. Of course you want to set some boundaries regarding name calling and raised voices. And help them to use their "I" messages to move closer to resolution.

Obviously you’ll interfere when it escalates; but by allowing your children to resolve their issues themselves allows them to learn a valuable life lesson.

Do you let your children fight? What are the rules that you have set regarding fighting? I’d love to hear about it.

Let Your Child Fail

2007-01-24T17:54:00.000-08:00

===============================
Let Your Child Fail

Are You An Entrepreneur
===============================

In the recent past I’ve come across two similar situations which I find shocking; maybe I’m too straight and narrow.

One mother wrote her 3rd grade daughter’s book reports (monthly) because her daughter hated writing and refused to write them.

In another case, I was talking to one of the middle school teachers regarding a recent event that showed off the 6th grader’s Egyptian projects. I told her I had enjoyed looking at the projects and some of them were pretty neat. She mentioned that quite a few of her students’ parents had completed the projects.

To my shocked face she responded that she knew the type of work her students were capable of and some of the projects were definitely the work of the parents.

I really do think it is a disservice to the child for the parent to do the child’s work.
(1) What is the message the parent is giving the child?
-You work is not good enough.
(2) Is the parent going to do the child’s projects through high school and college?
-I don’t think so. Then when will the child learn how to do a project? Better to learn this at a younger age than an older one.

The experience and skills a child learns by planning or not planning (and failing or having challenges) and doing a project are life skills. To plan a dinner, a garden, a ski trip or rebuild a car; it takes thinking thoroughly to plan and execute. And yes, it’s okay to fail because there’s learning in the failing.

What are your thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ARE YOU AN ENTREPRENEUR?

There is a book launch happening this coming Monday and if you are an entrepreneur you don’t want to miss it.

Think Two Products Ahead by Ben Mack is bringing the big advertising companies secret of branding and explaining it in layman’s terms.

To find out more go to (It’s best to cut and paste this link to your browser since it is so long.)
http://www.thinktwoproductsahead.com/

Reading For Fun

2007-01-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

Studies show that 92% of kids say they enjoy
reading for fun; however only 3 out of 10 read for
fun everyday. In fact, once kids reach the age of
8, those who read every day for fun drops from
40% to 29%.

The main reason given for not reading; kids can’t
find anything interesting to read. Reading holds
so much for our children: vocabulary, a healthy
way to spend their time, learning more about
themselves and the world and much more.

It is tricky finding books of interest. We’ve
bought books that my son hasn’t liked,
and if they’re in new condition, I return it, if my
son has let the condition deteriorate a bit; I
donate it either to his class room or to the local
shelter, hoping another teen will enjoy them.

My suggestion is to ask the librarian; ask the
proprietor of the small specialty book store and
of course the employees at the big book stores. I
continue to find different people to get more and
more suggestions; I don't want my son to stop
reading for fun.

This same study also noted that children of
parents who ready daily are more likely to be
readers. However, if you aren’t a daily reader you
can still help your child be one by making sure
your child has an interesting book to read.

For me, I try to read 1 of every 4-5 books my son
reads. Not only do I want to know what kind of
books he’s interested in, it also gives us more
fodder for communication.

How do you promote your kid’s interest in
reading?

Choices

2007-01-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

A friend and I were talking about choices. I mentioned that I always give my children choices; you can pick up your clothes or go to time out or you can take a bath now or in 20 minutes.

My friend told me her parents never gave her choices. In fact, when her son turned 3 and was ready for a big boy’s bed, she allowed him to pick out his sheets and bed spread ( a farm scene.) When she mentioned this to her mother, her mother exclaimed “I never let you do that.”

My friend still has a hesitancy in making choices. With this understanding she’s allowing her children to make choices: sheets, where to go to dinner, what game to play and more.

our children, big and small, need to experience making choices and living with the consequences of their choices.

What kind of choices are you allowing your child to make?

THE STRESS CONNECTION

2006-12-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

I read this quote the other day "When your kids are misbehaving, they are stressed out." I thought about this statement and all the times when my kids were misbehaving.

For the most part, I think it's right. I think about my kindergartener and she's misbehaving because she's either tired or hungry or angry - yes, she's stressed out.

I think about my middle school son and he has his intense moments when he's stressed out.

And when I'm most stressed out is when they misbehave the most.

With this new perspective, I find myself responding more and reacting less to their misbehaving. These episodes seem to have less fire when I start trying to understand what they are stressing about and come to a quicker resolution.

Have you found this connection or a similar connection between misbehaving and being stressed out? And how have you addressed it?

HAVE AN AWESOME HOLIDAY SEASON!!

STRUGGLES AND POSITIVE THINKING

2006-12-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

My son is having a challenging this year with Math. In the past, he’s naturally excelled at math; this year his experience is different. Without going into too much detail, part of the issue is he’s now in Middle School and expectations are higher, part is the teaching style of the teacher not matching how he learns and part is his own attitude.

His grades have an up and down pattern that is associated with how easily or difficult it is for him to grasp a concept. Because there are times he does well, I don’t want to teach him the easy way out by changing to a teacher he as had before. This is not going to be the first teacher or boss that he’s going to be in conflict with their styles. The sooner he learns that he can come through this struggle and be okay; the next time it comes he hopefully won’t be fighting it so hard.

We’ve had a couple meetings with the teacher to try to understand the gap between her expectations and his productivity. After the last one, it seems that our heated “discussions” over his math have diminished; it’s almost as if he realizes that we are really on his side.

He often says “I hate math.” And I immediately remind him that he should bring this down a notch to “I am really frustrated with math” or “I strongly dislike math.” If you think about it, when you change your words from something as strong as “hate” to “strongly dislike” or “really frustrated”, it softens the strong negative feelings.

It seems to be making a difference when I remind him to lower the negativity; he seems to get through the negative feelings faster and thus getting his work done sooner.

What kind of struggles is your child having? How are you helping your child get through it? I’d love to hear about it.

SPEAK RESPECTIVELY

2006-12-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well, my son has been showing signs of becoming a teen in his pre-teen years. The latest sign has been one of talking disrespectfully; specifically to his sister.

I know it’s time for him to try new things and to start finding his own identity. However, when I heard him patronizing and bossing his sister around; I didn’t like it. So when this began, I would call him on it, telling him that this was rude and not acceptable behavior. I would tell him that he needs to talk to his sister with respect and make him repeat his demand as a request with respect.

This process was repeated over and over the following 4-6 weeks. I have noticed that this behavior has its ebbs and flows. A couple of weeks will go where I’m not reminding him to speak to his sister respectfully; then I need to remind him.

I suspect this will be the norm or some variation until it’s either drilled into his head or otherwise.

How have you dealt with your child being disrespectful? I’d love to hear about it.

Words Are Powerful

2006-11-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

This is going to sound extreme, but it's the truth. A relative and I were talking about our fathers while we were growing up. It came up that her father called her a slut and a whore beginning when she was about 12 or 13 yrs old.

After several years of being called these names, she figured she might as well live up to these names. I was flabbergasted that (1) her father even said these things to her and (2) her reaction to it.

This is proof that labeling our children is setting them up for failure. So if your first one is your jock and the second one your brain, your children may very well change to fit into these stereotypes. And maybe this is okay with you.

The most common labeling I see is when small children hide behind their parents when they are introduced to adults. The parents usually say their child is being shy. Guess what, your child starts believing this. To enable your child not to be shy, state that your child is just not ready to say hello yet or she needs to warm up to new people. This gives your child the power to determine when he or she is ready to say hello.

Encourage your children to be their own great individual persons by acknowledging both what they do well and the effort they give.

I'd love to hear your experience on how words have been powerful to you or your children.

Focusing On The Future

2006-11-21T17:48:00.000-08:00

I believe in focusing on the positive. I’m sure you have met someone in your life where everything is a negative. Bad things are always happening to them. And the flip side, I’m sure you know that person who is always positive, never has anything negative to say about anyone and to whom positive things are always happening.

The other day I was reading the book, “Parenting at the Speed of Teens” by Search Institute. Two questions really struck me: “How much time do you spend thinking about what you ‘don’t’ want your teen to do or become?” and “How much time do you spend thinking about how you do want your teen to grow up, what you want her or his life to look like---both now and in the future?”

This made me stop and think. I have been spending more time in the present and current issues and not the goal of raising a happy, functioning adult. When I think about it, I look forward to interacting with my son when he’s at college, afterwards and when he starts making a family.

How much time do you think positively about your child’s future?

Annoying

2006-11-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

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Annoying

Upcoming Teleseminar
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ANNOYING

If you have more than one child, I’m sure you’ve heard one or both of the phrases “She’s annoying me” or “He’s annoying me”. Not only are the kids driving each other nuts, it’s driving me nuts too.

I actually got this idea from another parent I was talking to. She was telling me when she’s just ready to scream she tells her family to “Pause”. This means she’s leaving the room to take a breather from the situation.

I loved it. So I taught my children to say “pause” to each other, and I, when the other person is being annoying. This means the annoyer has to stop whatever they are doing (tapping their toe, humming a song, or any number of things.) This has really dampened, not eliminated, the roundabouts we have about being annoying to each other.

How do you handle “annoying” situations? I’d love to hear about it.

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PARENTING TELESEMINAR

Topics: Communicating with Your Child & Setting Boundaries and Role Modeling
Date of Calls: Monday Nov 6 & Nov 13 2006
Time of Call: 7pm-8pm PST

Come join this F*REE Teleseminar (long distance charges may apply)

Just send an email with "Parenting is an Adventure" and any questions you would like to have covered to DMCook@Family-Rx.com and a confirmation will be sent to you.

Being an Ally to Your Teen

2006-10-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

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Being an Ally to Your Teen

Upcoming Teleseminar
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BEING AN ALLY TO YOUR TEEN

One of the most ignored situations in our society is how teens are mistreated. They are not respected and there not valued by society. Teens internalize these messages and begin treating their peers this way.

These very teens are the next generation of leaders in our society and world. We can help them fight the societal messages, we as parents and adult role models can help buffer this.

One way of doing this is becoming their ally. To do this we need to listen to them and listen to what they have to say from their perspective (I know this can be difficult, but we must try.) This means biting our tongues sometimes (maybe many times) and letting them finish what they have to say with out jumping in. We don't have to fix their problems; we just need them to know we care enough to listen.

If your teenager is reeling from an emotional hurt, listen without criticism, blame or interference. If your child is feeling safe enough to talk to you; listen with empathy, put your own 'stuff' on the back burner. Sometimes your child just needs to expel all that is bothering him. Just listen.

When you do begin a conversation with your child, start with a positive. Tell them you've had a hard day and it's good to see him/family. Start with something you like or admire about your child. Praise him on something he has done well before you start asking about homework or reminding him the garbage collection is tomorrow or other more serious issue.

We don't have to be perfect parents. We just need to parent from our hearts to help our teens adjust successfully into adulthood.

How have you been an ally to your teen? I'd love to hear about it.

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PARENTING TELESEMINAR

Topics: Communicating with Your Child & Setting Boundaries and Role Modeling
Date of Calls: Monday Nov 6 & Nov 13 2006
Time of Call: 7pm-8pm PST

Come join this F*REE Teleseminar (long distance charges may apply)

Just send an email with "Parenting is an Adventure" and any questions you would like to have covered to DMCook@Family-Rx.com and a confirmation will be sent to you.

We Are Our Children's Role Model

2006-10-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

I came across this statement the other day and I've been dwelling on it ever since.

"Role model what you want your child to do."

When my son was ~3 yrs old, we were having a playdate with another boy his age, his younger sister and mom. While the adults were talking, the other boy grabbed an object from his baby sister and then yelled at her. The mother immediately grabbed the same object from the boy and yelled at him. This didn't phase me until the mother said to me "Honestly, I don't know where he learns that." It was quite obvious to me, however, not knowing this other mom that well, I didn't have the guts to say "From you."

This role model lesson was driven home even harsher years later when my son ~7-8 yrs old, yelled at me exactly like I yelled at him. Various emotions were flying through my head: (1) I knew exactly where he learned to yell like he did, (2) man, my feelings were hurt by the way he yelled at me, and (3) Guilt, I've been making my son feel this awful by my yelling for years. (Since then, I've made tremendous strides in the yelling department and my son will agree.)

However, if you find your child acting out in ways that are unacceptable. Maybe you need to look closer to home than school. Our children deserve to be treated the way we want them to treat us and others.

If we want our children treating us and others with respect, we need to treat them with respect.

I'd love to hear ways that you show and generate respect in your children.

Leaving Yet Staying Close

2006-10-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if this is a male behavior, or that my daughter just isn’t old enough yet. However, when my preteen son gets mad at us, and he’s been doing this since he was 5 yrs old, he wants to be as far away from his father and I as fast as possible.

In this Parenting Pamphlet, Listening to Children: Reaching for Your Angry Child, by Patty Wifler states that even though our son wants us to be gone, he really needs us to support him. Thus if he says get out of my room, state back to him “I will step towards the door now; however what I really want is to sit next to you on the bed.” The idea is to “offer you child warmth and closeness. Don’t force it, but do keep offering.”

I’ve had an opportunity to try this out since reading this pamphlet. For me, it has given me permission to stay with my son during this emotional state. Because I do not leave the room, I really do think he gets it that I really do care about him. And most important, since he knows I am not leaving, we are able to resolve the issue, or at least calm down enough to make agreements to discuss more later when we are both in a frame of mind.

You can find this and other great pamphlets from www.HandInHandParenting.org.

How do you handle the situation when you child asks you to leave the room? I’d love to have more options.

Counting to 10 Doesn't Work For Me

2006-10-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about you, but there are times when my children just make me want to pull my hair out; specifically when there’s lot’s of whining and/or drama.

Many parenting and anger management resources suggest counting to 10 when you find yourself ready to yell. I find remembering to do this difficult and when I do remember to count to 10, I’m still just as frustrated as when I started; especially when I ‘m trying to buckle one in and I’m running late.

For years, I’ve been looking for a trigger or something to help flip the feeling of wanting to pull my hair out. This week I’ve found it.

For some reason, I began to sing the ABC’s when my daughter was in high drama. Amazingly, I’ve found myself relaxing as I sang this song even when the kids are protesting my singing (both for the song and the fact that I can’t carry a tune.)

I’ve had several opportunities to sing the last 10 days and I am just surprised how immediately my body relaxes when I sing it. That I sing it more than once.

Do you count to 10 when you are ready to pull your hair out? Do you have another method or trigger that you use in those intense moments that helps you flip from anger/frustration to a calmer state? I'd llove to hear about it.

Assumptions - Common Courtesy

2006-09-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

Continuing on the line of Common Courtesy-

After my daughter’s second week of kindergarten, she told me that (1) She had played with “Emily”, who we met during assessments, during recess, a following day (2) She played with “Joy” from her class then “Emily” during recess, (3) The next day “Joy” didn’t want to play with her, (4) The following day “Emily” played with her a little bit than played with a boy, (5) Then she played by herself.

I didn’t want to make a big deal about her not having a friend; it’s only the second week of school. However, the more I thought about it, the more I believed I didn’t have the full picture. I asked my daughter what she had said to “Joy” when she went to play with “Emily” or did she just say nothing and leave “Joy” behind?

She stated that she just left “Joy” behind. I asked her how thinks “Joy” felt when she did this, “Sad.” I then asked her if she would like that to happen to her; “No.” I told her that she needed to apologize to “Joy” and that “Joy” may or may not want to play with her; either way she needs to apologize. If “Joy” does want to play with her and “Emily” comes around, she needs to ask if everybody wants to play together.

The next day, my daughter said she played with “Joy” and when “Emily” came around she asked that they all play together; and they did. I asked my daughter how did it feel and she replied “Happy”.

Looking back, I had assumed my daughter would know when she hurt someone’s feelings and think about playing “together.” How to treat others, just like please and thank you, are very much a part of teaching manners and something we as parents must teach our children.

How have you taught or are teaching your children about common courtesy?

Assumptions = Unstated Expectations

2006-09-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

As most parents, I think my children are bright, but this has absolutely nothing to do with what we adults call "Common Sense." In a 24 hour period, both my children have proven this.

My son, who's in middle school, wanted to go to a friend's house before dinner. He took his watch and was supposed to be home by 6pm. At 6:20pm I had to call his friend's house to have him come home.

Once he was home, we figured out he had not sprung his watch forward an hour for daylight savings. He whined that he didn't know it was wrong. I told him it was his responsibility to make sure his watch matched our house clock.

Later that same evening, he went to his friend's house with a be home directive of 7:30pm. Arriving home at 7:35pm, he made excuses that his friend made him late and that his friend's clock did not match his by a few minutes. I told him it was his responsibility to be home on time regardless of what his friend did or the time on his friend's clock. And that he should leave 5 minutes early by his watch so he makes sure he is home on time.

His response was "Now you tell me!"

I made the assumption he would know to leave early to get home on time. After I thought about this, I realized that just like teaching our children manners, we need to teach them the basics or a foundation of common sense.

I am a true believer that when our children know what to expect, they know how to win. This is just another reminder of how true this is.

More about this and my daughter in my next posting.

Toddlers Do Listen

2006-09-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that your kids really only hear
the last word or two that you say?
So as your child is running down the driveway
towards the street, as you yell
“don’t run into the street” your child hears “street”.
As your child runs around the pool,
you yell “don’t run” and your child hears “run!”
After your child has just eaten a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich that’s evidenced
by their fingers, you yell “don’t touch”
your child hears “touch!”

No matter if you are a child, a teen or an adult, when
you are focused on a task, when
someone starts talking to you; you only hear the last
bit before you realize that
someone is actually talking to you. I heard someone
point this out, so I began telling my
children what I did want.

Instead of yelling “don’t run into the street” I scream
“Stop!” When I want them stop
running, I yell “Walk”. And of course when I
don’t want them to touch any
thing, I would tell them “Hands Off!” And of course
my favorite is “keep your milk
in your cup or in your mouth” as they walk to
the dining room with a full
glass of milk.

Toddlers do listen, well . . . at least to the last few
words you say.

And as in life, as you ask for what you want, you are more likely to get it.

Have you experienced this? I’d love to hear your
comments about this.