Being an Ally to Your Teen

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Being an Ally to Your Teen

Upcoming Teleseminar
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BEING AN ALLY TO YOUR TEEN

One of the most ignored situations in our society is how teens are mistreated. They are not respected and there not valued by society. Teens internalize these messages and begin treating their peers this way.

These very teens are the next generation of leaders in our society and world. We can help them fight the societal messages, we as parents and adult role models can help buffer this.

One way of doing this is becoming their ally. To do this we need to listen to them and listen to what they have to say from their perspective (I know this can be difficult, but we must try.) This means biting our tongues sometimes (maybe many times) and letting them finish what they have to say with out jumping in. We don't have to fix their problems; we just need them to know we care enough to listen.

If your teenager is reeling from an emotional hurt, listen without criticism, blame or interference. If your child is feeling safe enough to talk to you; listen with empathy, put your own 'stuff' on the back burner. Sometimes your child just needs to expel all that is bothering him. Just listen.

When you do begin a conversation with your child, start with a positive. Tell them you've had a hard day and it's good to see him/family. Start with something you like or admire about your child. Praise him on something he has done well before you start asking about homework or reminding him the garbage collection is tomorrow or other more serious issue.

We don't have to be perfect parents. We just need to parent from our hearts to help our teens adjust successfully into adulthood.

How have you been an ally to your teen? I'd love to hear about it.

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PARENTING TELESEMINAR

Topics: Communicating with Your Child & Setting Boundaries and Role Modeling
Date of Calls: Monday Nov 6 & Nov 13 2006
Time of Call: 7pm-8pm PST

Come join this F*REE Teleseminar (long distance charges may apply)

Just send an email with "Parenting is an Adventure" and any questions you would like to have covered to DMCook@Family-Rx.com and a confirmation will be sent to you.

We Are Our Children's Role Model

I came across this statement the other day and I've been dwelling on it ever since.

"Role model what you want your child to do."

When my son was ~3 yrs old, we were having a playdate with another boy his age, his younger sister and mom. While the adults were talking, the other boy grabbed an object from his baby sister and then yelled at her. The mother immediately grabbed the same object from the boy and yelled at him. This didn't phase me until the mother said to me "Honestly, I don't know where he learns that." It was quite obvious to me, however, not knowing this other mom that well, I didn't have the guts to say "From you."

This role model lesson was driven home even harsher years later when my son ~7-8 yrs old, yelled at me exactly like I yelled at him. Various emotions were flying through my head: (1) I knew exactly where he learned to yell like he did, (2) man, my feelings were hurt by the way he yelled at me, and (3) Guilt, I've been making my son feel this awful by my yelling for years. (Since then, I've made tremendous strides in the yelling department and my son will agree.)

However, if you find your child acting out in ways that are unacceptable. Maybe you need to look closer to home than school. Our children deserve to be treated the way we want them to treat us and others.

If we want our children treating us and others with respect, we need to treat them with respect.

I'd love to hear ways that you show and generate respect in your children.

Leaving Yet Staying Close

I don’t know if this is a male behavior, or that my daughter just isn’t old enough yet. However, when my preteen son gets mad at us, and he’s been doing this since he was 5 yrs old, he wants to be as far away from his father and I as fast as possible.

In this Parenting Pamphlet, Listening to Children: Reaching for Your Angry Child, by Patty Wifler states that even though our son wants us to be gone, he really needs us to support him. Thus if he says get out of my room, state back to him “I will step towards the door now; however what I really want is to sit next to you on the bed.” The idea is to “offer you child warmth and closeness. Don’t force it, but do keep offering.”

I’ve had an opportunity to try this out since reading this pamphlet. For me, it has given me permission to stay with my son during this emotional state. Because I do not leave the room, I really do think he gets it that I really do care about him. And most important, since he knows I am not leaving, we are able to resolve the issue, or at least calm down enough to make agreements to discuss more later when we are both in a frame of mind.

You can find this and other great pamphlets from www.HandInHandParenting.org.

How do you handle the situation when you child asks you to leave the room? I’d love to have more options.

Counting to 10 Doesn't Work For Me

I don’t know about you, but there are times when my children just make me want to pull my hair out; specifically when there’s lot’s of whining and/or drama.

Many parenting and anger management resources suggest counting to 10 when you find yourself ready to yell. I find remembering to do this difficult and when I do remember to count to 10, I’m still just as frustrated as when I started; especially when I ‘m trying to buckle one in and I’m running late.

For years, I’ve been looking for a trigger or something to help flip the feeling of wanting to pull my hair out. This week I’ve found it.

For some reason, I began to sing the ABC’s when my daughter was in high drama. Amazingly, I’ve found myself relaxing as I sang this song even when the kids are protesting my singing (both for the song and the fact that I can’t carry a tune.)

I’ve had several opportunities to sing the last 10 days and I am just surprised how immediately my body relaxes when I sing it. That I sing it more than once.

Do you count to 10 when you are ready to pull your hair out? Do you have another method or trigger that you use in those intense moments that helps you flip from anger/frustration to a calmer state? I'd llove to hear about it.